I haven't post an entry for a very long time simply because I don't have time to do so and when I have the time I am not in the mood.

I just thought it would be relevant to write about the most important experience in my entire life...a week after I am still recovering from it.

What I am posting here is the review I wrote a couple of days after the whole experience...some feelings have changed, some haven't...

It was a bittersweet experience because half of my dream didnt come true... I think I am feeling so down because I've built so many expectations of how it would be when it happened...I am not disappointed neither at Darren or anyone else...I am just disappointed at the way things happened for me.

This was an unforgetable experience...it changed me in some ways. I never thought I could go all by myself to the UK and be able to do everything I did absolutely on my own. It was scary but during the whole time I didnt think about it, simply because it was something I had dreamed for so long. And...do you want to know the truth?? I would do everything all over again even knowing that my dream wouldn't come true in its entirity.

I still have mixed feelings about this experience and it will take some time to heal...

DARK LIGHT TOUR REVIEW

19^th November 2004 – Nottingham

For the first time in my entire life I got on a plane to the UK to see Mr. Darren Hayes perform live. And I could never have imagined what I was about to experience.

He was late for the sound check, which made the expectations go even higher.

And then we finally start to hear some noises coming from the room where he was performing. I was shaking and couldn’t believe I was about the see Darren Hayes for the first time ever in my life.

I have been a fan for 7 or 8 years and never got the chance to see him. So, during all these years I kept wondering how it would be when it happened. I could not keep control of the beating of heart that was going so fast.

My friend grabbed my hand, we looked each other in the eyes and followed everyone that was going to the sound check. We entered the room, took our seats (that were at the back far away from the stage) and I immediately spotted Robert on stage. I could not believe it was him!! He looked so cool and relaxed. Could not take my eyes away from him…

Suddenly my friend told me to look carefully to the right corner of the stage… and there was Darren. He was wearing a hat that would cover his face with its shadow. He looked as relaxed as Robert. He came on stage and pretended not to us there. The sound check started. It lasted for a very short time. Only ten minutes probably. After he sang Insatiable, Santa Monica and Strange Relationship he looked at the sound guy that was just a couple of rows in front of us and said something like “Oh!! You are there!!” just like if he hadn’t seen us already. Everyone laughed. Darren also asked us if we would be back there later on that night for the show and obviously everyone said yes and cheered. Then he said waving at us from stage “See ya then Kiddies… and big people! And I’ll promise I’ll dress up!” We laughed again and left the room with a smile on our faces.

If the sound check had caused such and effect on me I wondered how I would feel when the show actually started.

After the sound check there a couple more hours to until the show would start. Although it was supposed to start at 7pm it had been delayed and would now start at 8pm.

We waited and waited and everyone was so anxious.

Sometime before 8pm they let us in to take our seats.

The opening act was a band called Honey Moon, which performed for about half an hour. I have to be honest and say that I couldn’t really pay attention to what they were singing because the only thing I could think was about Darren coming on stage. I couldn’t wait any longer.

After the guests performance Darren’s Crew came on stage to get everything ready for his show. That was when I spotted Troy making sure that there were enough water bottles on stage.

Suddenly, the big moment had come. The lights started to go down low and I Robert walked on stage. I couldn’t help it but to scream his name out loud. He looked at the crowd with that smile and did the “peace” sign with his hand while he turned all the screens (that were a part of the scenery) on. Then, he sat behind his keyboard and at the same minute Darren came on stage and the first notes from Void started to play.

Everyone screamed and I could not believe he was in front of me singing. The show had begun.

Sadly, I cannot remember the order of the songs… I was such in a state of excitement!! I can remember that the first song of the night was Void and it was beautiful. I can also remember I went crazy when heard the first notes of Strange Relationship. And hearing Darkness live made my heart freeze. The high point of the show (for me personally) was when Darren sang To The Moon & Back. This was the song that made me fall in love with Darren’s voice the first time I heard it about 8 years ago. So, it will always have a very special meaning to me.

Darren called someone to be on stage with him during that song. When he started to look for someone, everyone that was around me started to shout for him to pick me, and waving the Portuguese flag in the air. I wasn’t the one that he picked but I’ll be forever grateful to everyone who was there with me making me feel so special.

Actually, I am not sure if I would be able to go on stage with him… I am a very shy person and I would probably make a fool of myself with Darren standing by my side.

During the show I felt so many different things… I cried…I laughed…I danced…I felt emotional again…and it’s been four days since that night and I still feel emotionally drained.

I kept praying for the moment that he had to leave the stage would never happen and the magic would last forever… but it didn’t.

When Darren said goodbye I felt so sad…so fragile and emotional. I didn’t want him to leave.

In seconds we saw him disappearing from stage. And I felt a void.

I will never be able to thank Darren Hayes enough for being just…Darren Hayes!! For being the wonderful person he is and for letting us into his heart. This show was a journey through his feelings…through my feelings.

I’ll never forget his smile that night.

MY DREAM OF MEETING LEONIE MESSER

As the entire world knows I have been a fan of Leonie for such a long time but have never had the chance of meeting her in person.

So, I thought this would be my chance…but unfortunately it wasn’t. I soon found out she wasn’t going to be at the one show I was going to…and it was such a disappointment. I am obviously not disappointed with her or with anyone else. I respect her and love her too much to feel disappointed.

I guess it just wasn’t meant to be…

I want to take this chance and thank Leonie for being such an inspiration to me. During all this time she helped me more than she will ever imagine.

I hope I can have the chance of saying this to her some day face to face.

MEETING UP WITH EVERYONE

Apart from being at the show I am so thankful for having the chance of meeting so many wonderful people I had spoken to online. It was something new for me to meet up with so many Darren Hayes fans. I had never had the chance of doing that before.

Thank you so much for making me feel so special that night. It was very hard for me to say goodbye.

    Purplexxx

I know I've written in this journal only yesterdat but I felt like writting again today. Here I am sitting in the same chair and listening to the same song I spoke about last night. Dublin Sky. It's so beautiful but at the same time amazingly painful. So full of regret. You can find this song in Darren Hayes latest album called The Tension & The Spark. I totally treasure this album.

Here are the lyrics to this wonderful song...

DUBLIN SKY
Darren Hayes

I’VE BEEN DOWN A LONELY STREET TONIGHT
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME
I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME
BUT CLOUDS COVER UP A DUBLIN SKY
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S LEFT OF ME
I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S RIGHT WITH ME
AND I TRIED TO KEEP MY DISTANCE
AND I’VE SUNG AMAZING GRACE
I’VE TARNISHED ALL OUR MEMORIES
BUT THERE’LL ALWAYS BE A TRACE OF YOU
OF YOU

I REMEMBER LAUGHING ON THAT RIVER’S EDGE
TRYING TO GET YOU TO JUMP WITH ME
TRYING TO GET YOU TO FALL FOR ME
AND YOUR TREMBLING HEART IT BEAT SO FAST
HOLDING HANDS YOU PROMISED ME
HOLDING HANDS WE COUNTED TO THREE
AND I FELT YOUR SLIPPING FINGERS
AND I SAW YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND
IF I HADN’T DRAGGED YOU IN WITH ME
YOU WOULD HAVE LET ME DIVE WITHOUT YOU

WITHOUT YOU

YEAH THEY SENT YOU ALL THE WAY FROM HOLLYWOOD
AND MAYBE THAT DUBLIN SKY WAS CHANGING YOU
IT PUT DIAMONDS IN YOUR EYES
I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA MAKE IT THROUGH
BUT I WANTED TO HEAR IT FIRST FROM YOU

NOW HOW MANY DAYS AM I GONNA REGRET YOU?
HOW MANY NIGHTS UNTIL I FORGET YOU?
HAVE I BEEN WASTING ALL THOSE YEARS
HELD DOWN BY THESE TEARS
HOW MANY DREAMS HAVE I LEFT DESERTED?
HOW MANY HOPES HAVE BEEN DIVERTED?
HAVE I BEEN BURIED IN THE DIRT
HELD DOWN BY THIS HURT
AND HOW MANY LOWS DID I LET YOU HIGHJACK
HOW MANY WAYS CAN I STUDY THE PLAYBACK
HOW DID I END UP LYING HERE
CRYING UNDERNEATH A DUBLIN SKY?
HOW MANY DAYS AM I GONNA REGRET YOU?
HOW MANY NIGHTS UNITL I FORGET YOU?
HAVE I BEEN WASTING ALL THESE YEARS?
DROWNING IN MY TEARS?
HOW MANY NIGHTS AM I GONNA REGRET YOU?
HOW MANY DAYS UNTIL I FORGET YOU?
HAVE I BEEN WASTING ALL THESE YEARS
DROWNING IN MY TEARS?

Aren't these lyrics breath taking...??

Last night I was feeling so good about myself and about other people in general. I was at my Body Combat and Body Balance classes and the Body Balance one was so relaxing and beautiful. I felt myself connecting to the music and to the other people in the room. I was so at peace...and it was in some way a weird feeling because I rarely feel like that...

But this morning, as soon as I woke up I knew this would be a hard day. My head aches. I feel tired and emotionally drained. I don't think I can have these feelings about this person inside me anymore. It's getting harder because he doesn't even imagine the way I feel about him...and I dont want him to...it will never happen. But as far away as it seems...it also seems to get stronger everyday. I spent the day thinking about the breaf moments we have together and about our so innocent conversations about ordinary things...and I would find me smiling to myself.

The other day I read somewhere that my star sign scorpio can attract a lot of misery to his/her life...specially to his/her romantic life...and this actually makes a lot of sence. I am sure that a lot of things that are said about star signs are not true but I can tell you that some of them are.

It's weird because I feel the need of feeling loved but at the same time I don't think I can let someone love me romantically. For me it's so much easier to give than receive love. I feel this urge of showing my love to someone but I never let anyone love me back... It's confusing, I know... I find myself wondering about this so many times!! I wish I could still speak to my therapist about this. I know she would be proud of me if she knew where I am at right now.

Stay Safe!!

Purplexxx

I've been down a lonely street tonight...

I don't know what's wrong with me...

I don't know what's wrong with me...

This is the song I am listening to right now...It's called "Dublin Sky" and it's such an amazing piece of music... Actually, I'd say it's more than music. It's a master piece. At first, I couldn't listen to this song and, obviously not because I don't like it, but because it was too painful to listen to. It is so sincere that it hurts. It really hurts. So, I had to skip this song when I listened to the cd because I knew that if the first note of "Dublin Sky" came on I would start crying.

I've started a new phase in my life and I am not sure where is this going to take me. I cannot believe I got myself into something that I was so scared of. Sometimes I find myself thinking why am I putting myself through this and just want to give it up... I guess I cannot go back now. I've spent way too much money and have been through a very long emotional proccess to convince myself I am capable of doing this. And if I take this to the end it's only because of that: I don't want to throw away all these last months of emotinal grow and more maturity. Though, I still am not sure if I am strong enough to do this.

Life has made me feel a little miserable... And as someone said on the tagboard, there are people who feel worst than me... I know that. I also know I should be thankful for having a family (although it's far away from being perfect) and for having a place I can call home. I haven't had experiences of extreme physical pain in my life but I've had a lot of emotional pain. I've been through quite a lot of experiences that made me the human being I am today and I cannot express how hard the last year has been...

I guess I'll have to wait and see where life is taking me...

God Bless everyone.

Love,

Purplexxx

p.s.-I wanna thank everyone who has left a message on my Journal. I think it's amazing that someone would take interest in my life. Thank you.

  ...still so confused...about my future. Why cant I make my mind up about anything?? why cant I decide what I want to do... I mean, I keep feeling depressed about my life and cannot change anything! That's what makes me angry with myself. I am so sick of feeling like this...I don't think I deserved to be going through all the crap that came into my life for the past year. I don't even remember how to be happy is. I am wasting the best time of my life...for nothing.

I have cried and cried tonight...just asking for a light at the end of the tunnel. I just wish my God would should me my way. That's what I keep asking for...and have no answer...

Purplexxx

p.s.- Just a little note to say I decided to post a little preview of the fiction I talked about on the last two diary entries. I have no idea what you'll think of it...for me it's the only thing that keeps my mind away from my fears and my problems. This is actually something really private for me and it's the irst time I am posting it somewhere. I am not a writter...just a dreamer.
http://www.geocities.com/yourmidnight_fantasy/i_am_still_trying_to_figure_out_.htm

 Have absolute no reason to write something here tonight... actually, I should be writing something else.

Again, for no aparent reason I decided to waste some of my time changing the design of this diary... it's a passion for me to work with graphics. It's something I really enjoy...may be because it takes my mind away from other things.

I am tired. Cant feel my legs. And today my visit to the gym was physically painful. Cant really figure out why coz I exercise everyday and my body got used to this rythme already... my body really feels tired tonight.

Last night I did a very important (and scary) thing... I confessed to a friend I am liking someone... It was pretty terrifying because I have been keeping this to myself for the past year or so... so, it was a huge step. I couldn't keep it inside anymore. I feel weird though. I totally trust her. We met online a couple of years ago and she knows a lot about myself... but it was still a big thing for me. I have only told her coz I knew she would understand me (or at least to try to understand me!).
I still feel very silly and embarassed about my feelings because he will never look to me the same way I look to him...I want to let go of these feelings coz they won't take me anywhere happy. I kinda got used to the idea of not being noticed by him...but there are days when it hurts...and other days when I think "well, I knew deep down inside this couldn't be more than a fantasy."

Someone asked me to post a bit of my fiction here...and I said I would do so if someone was interested... but I am not sure if I should do it... I feel like I'll be exposing a lot of myself. No one has ever read it and the thought of putting it out there is scarying me. And whoever wants to read it won't probably understand anything coz it's way too long to post it all here (it's over 150 pages). I can pick a chapter and post it here though... I'll think about that. It will be hard to choose!

purplexxx

Why do I only feel this urge of typing something on this diary when I am feeling down?? That must happen because I do not have anyone close enough to me to trust them these feelings so…I just come here and put all them up on the Internet for the world to see…it's a bit of a contradiction uh??

My holidays went just the way I said they would…like hell!! I am so thankful they are over now…

Yesterday I was feeling very bright (sounds weird but I really was!) and today I just hit my ground zero… I am listening to an amazing and purely passionate song from this fantastic man that will always be my Master and he is the only who can make me feel something inside… Coz there are times I feel completely dead inside. There are times when I don't even feel my heart beating.

It's funny… I have always had lots of self-confidence and self-esteem issues, and to be honest I think they will walk right beside me on every step of my life but… if there were times when I felt a sexual human being, someone with sexual desire…it was while listening to his voice… No one else had the power to make me feel such thing in such a deep way. Everyone has fantasies and everyone dreams about a certain level of a spiritual/physical connection with ourselves and with someone else… and this is actually something much more complex than some might think.

I've been writing this fiction… it basically is a story that reflects a lot of aspects of my sentimental life and how I deal with things. The weird thing is that…while I am writing this I could be whoever I wanted to be, I could look like a princess and marry the most amazing man on earth… but surprisingly enough that doesn't happen. I continue to fight the same fears and face the same insecurities. And now you ask why am I writing about the same things that make my feel miserable in real life? Why am I not writing a fairy tail instead? Well, I guess that writing a beautiful story wouldn't be me. Before I can write a fairy-tail I need to get over all the things that scare me. And although some people may think the opposite, I do not want to live in a "baby-blue" world where everything happens the way I want it to. This man I was talking about…he talks about forgiveness on his latest (and very painful but also very hopeful) album. And it's quite impressive how much we are alike when it comes to feelings and emotional pain… I think forgiveness is the "key" to most of the things that make me the angry and bitter person that I became. It can sound very simple but it is very complex. Even knowing that forgiveness is the key… I need to be prepared to just let go and move on. And I'll probably take my whole life seeking for that. I may come…some day. My "Master" is helping me on my seeking for forgiveness and inner peace.

May be I'll post a sneak preview of this fiction I have been writing for the past years… If someone is interested that is! Sometimes it consumes me and I think I am obsessed with it. I think it became a world apart from the real world…

Purplexxx

I am leaving the day after tomorrow (monday 16th August) on holiday with my parents and younger brother. It's going to be hell... I begged my mother to let me stay home on my own but she didn't even listen to me. I so needed sometime to myself.
What really pisses me off is that I tried to explain my reasons but she didn't understand...she never will. So, they are taking me with them against my will but they don't care. I am just one more suitcase they are taking in the car.

I cant believe I am really going...15 days is an eternity... my father is home for two weeks and I almost want to kill myself... and now I will be with him 24/7 during two wholes weeks. It's going to kill me.

And then tehre's the gym... I won't survive 15 days without going to MY gym and to be with the people I love. There's someone in particular that I cant stop thinking about and these two weeks were the chance I had to try to get a little closer to him. Damn...cant take him out of my mind...which is competely non sense because it will never happen. I have so much on my mind right now. I began to hate myself again...it's being so difficult. I wish my family would try and not to get things even more complicated for me. I wish I would live on my own. I swear...it's what I wish for every single day: to have my little own place and be able to do what I want without having people picking on me.

Why do I always pick the wrong person? Why do I always pick someone that will never look at me the way I look at him?? This must be karma...

I was trying to figure out my mood tonight but I cant. I think I feel angry at everyone around me. I hate them all. Just want to be left alone.

Who ever spends their time reading this shit must think I am mad...I don't really care. This is how I feel right now.

I'll get back here later may be...

purplexxx

 Just want to say that I am feeling even more crappy today than I did yesterday... when I am 'not thinking' I am ok but when things come to mind I just ...feel so bad about myself and about who I am.

Who am I?? This person that looks in the mirror and cannot see anything beautiful or positive...and I am talking not only about phisical features but about heart and soul too. I think I am becoming a bitter person...and I don't want to.

I keep trying to please everyone and in the end no one really cares about me or how I feel. It's funny because inside me I am totally different person...ok, may be not totally different but different in many ways. I wish I would look like how I truly feel. People do not take me serious because of my age and...and that so pisses me off!! I just hate them so much... it's not fair. They don't even bother trying to see my side of things. It's hell... and I know I'll only be (more) comfortable in my own skin when I am the age I feel I am right now. I feel much older than I actually am....which can be quite positive sometimes and very negative other times too.

I wish I would truly know what people think about... I wonder how do they see me?? I wonder if they see me in the same way I see me?? May be it shouldn't matter so much to me what others think about me but it does... and I care mostly about the people that are really important in my life and they do not realize how much they mean to me.

One wise man once said "It is easier to give than receive love, give than receive love..." And I feel this so much... I can love people unconditionally but never 'let' anyone love me. I do never believe someone is capable of loving me just the way I am. I don't think anyone was till this day and I don't believe someone will in the future so...I'll just keep falling in love for someone secretly and hiding everything away...

purplexxx

...haven't written in ages...I have thought about it sometimes though but most of those times I couldn't write about my feelings and I don't think I can do it now either. I am just doing it because I really need to let this out of my chest in some way.

I am feeling like crap today...for a change!!  for the past days I haven't even been able to look myself in the mirror...that's how much i love myself at the moment. I have been trying hard to change this but I feel so low.

And what's causing me all this low self-esteem and disappointment at myself?? Probably the fact that I stupidly feel attracted  to someone who will never ever look at me the same way I look at him... But...what's new about this anyway?? It has been like this all my life. I should be used to it by now shouldn't I? This feeling has been following me for a long time and I just tried to ignore it but now it's consuming me...it's driving me insane!! And I had promised myself that I would keep this only to myself but I couldn't keep it...it was too much so I emailed my therapist but she should think I need some kind of treatment because I haven't told her about this parcially...  Didn't have the guts to tell her everything... actually that email should have never been sent. It was a moment of weakness... I mean...another one.  I keep telling myself I MUST keep these things for myself and then I cant do it.

Fuck... I have so much to write and I cant write anything. It's so much inside me that I want to get rid of...

I tried...but I really cannot write anything else right now...there's too much inside my head.

purplexxx

It's Saturday and yesterday I went to another fitness  presentation ...yeah...I know...it's even hard for me to believe I have been doing all this. But I feel kinda proud actually coz...I was never up to anything. I still feel so shy when I am with people I adore... Although I can hide it well to tell the truth.  

So, I went to this fitness presentation during all morning and then we went out for a late lunch at a chinese restaurant.  I didn't even use to like chinese food...and yesterday I just had a blast. Can't even believe it...

When I got back home I was still feeling hyperactive  and couldn't stop talking and walking from one place to another. I was so excited that hadn't even noticed how tired I was. I only felt that when I threw myself on the couch and couldn't stand up on my feet again until dinner time. I was tired but feeling good. Actually, it couldn't have been better.

I am still tired today and I slept  like a rock last night but I am still feeling good.  But I so need to speak to my therapist...I have so many things to say and so many feelings inside me I don't understand...  I feel I am going further step by step but I cant do it alone...I need at least someone who can listen to me and "open my eyes" to certain situations and make me see certain things. The last time I saw her was over two months ago and I don't even know if I'll have the chance to speak to her again. And if I do I won't be able to say a half of what I have to say. Coz...its been so long that it's impossible to pull all this out of my chest...and there are so many things I need to talk about.

I still feel really insecure about what other people think about me and how they feel about me. I just can't have that sort (or any other sort) of confidence. I can't believe they...like me for who I am...you know...with all the positive and negative things about me.  I have written about this in my last two entries I believe...and it has been constantly on my mind and it's really driving me insane and making me feel so insecure and miserable.

I am here writing...trying to avoid the fact that I have to go and study. I can't do it...just can't. I have no motivation. At all.

purplexxx